I've just realized

I've been lying to everybody who's asked me "why did you leave Harrison?" or "Why do you do school online?" I make up excuses like "it's something different" or "because I wanted to help my mom around the house more" (that last one was one of my points in presentation when I was trying to get out of school actually, I said I'd be able to help out around home more since I'd be there more...it worked apparently.) The one reason that was true was "I absolutely hated it there. I couldn't stand it." This is the sad truth that I am only going to tell and talk about ONE time. And that is in this blog. For once I don't care who sees this and I don't care what they think or say to others. This is something that I JUST realized tonight. The truth is I'm trying to grow up too fast. Well that is the over all case in point. Those are the only words I can think to summarize all of my thoughts and feelings that I was going through towards the end of my brick & mortar (term for a school building) days. I really did hate it there. It might have been the winter months that caused those ugly days, and the teachers that weren't giving me the grades I worked for, and the kids who lived to party and do drugs and what not. I couldn't stand being in that environment. I felt myself and my education deserved better. (not that I'm better than anyone at Harrison. I know I'm not the only one who feels the same way, I just actually did something about it.) Anyway, I felt school tied me up. Around these months I had started getting lots of calls from agents and production companies that wanted ME to come and audition. No way was a rundown, bankrupt, nasty school building going to hold me back from my dreams. And that is the absolute real reason I left school. I'm not sure if my mom knows that to be the reason. She may have a hunch that something with my mass calling for auditions had crossed my mind as a good reason to leave, but not the main one.

Today on Facebook, I saw a video of the 'flash mob' the psychology classes did in the lunch room. Seeing the school in full effect, I actually-for the first time ever- felt a longing to go back. I wanted to walk those halls again smiling at my friends as I passed them in between classes, socialize at lunch and during classes. Be able to feel the relief and freedom of driving home in the afternoons, having a reason to put make up on and dress nicely for people to actually see me. I will never again admit that I want to go back. It will never happen so it is worthless to even try and persuade me. It will never work. I'll never be back. I do wish I hadn't tried so hard to put my high school days behind me. I may have a little under two years left, but I cannot help but feel a little upset with the fact that I am not longer apart of the Harrison school community. I do feel left out. But that was a choice of my own. I wanted out so badly that I never thought I'd see the day that I would feel even the smallest amount of what I'm feeling now. I wouldn't say that I regret leaving. I do like sleeping in, working for an hour or a little over on school work for the day, then having the rest of the day to myself. It's a sweet life. But not as sweet because you have no one to share it with...However, I will put this behind me and stick it out here at home through my graduation. Then it is off to college and away from this town forever, so why would it matter if I miss a year or two with people I may never see again? Like I said before I'm trying to grow up too fast. All I think about is college, then after that, and whats next, and when I should get married(I haven't even met the guy yet!), and how old I should be to have kids, and so on. Those things shouldn't be in my head at all. I just turned 17. This is the prime time of my teenage years. Why the heck am I trying to sprint full speed ahead of them? This is the only life I've got, and I should wish for it to go as slowly as possible. Every adult tells me "you're only young once, so enjoy it as much as you can." If only I could.

Texts from Last night

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

if i died would you start the facebook group?

He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.

The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

LETS GO REDSKINS!
- Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.

Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did

all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.

some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page

youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?

How did people poop without Blackberrys?
- Motorola Razers?
- Stone age, man.

Meet Blanket

So after eating at Olive Garden for my birthday dinner (9 days late but hey, better late than never..), My mom had this brilliant idea to stop at Petsmart just to look at the kitties and doggies since we didn't feel like just going home. Well there was one tiny little kitten all alone in her cage and me being the amazing little girl who can make it look like her heart is breaking at the thought of leaving a kitten behind (for those of you who remember me talking about Summer from the no-kill animal shelter a few months ago..it was a sad heartbreaking ending..) and I wasn't about to have that happen a second time. So when we were holding her of course we fell in love. I named her Blanket 30 seconds after we first saw her and I knew if there was the slightest chance to get her I had to name her, and fast. Well it just so happens that during dinner the name Blanket, as in Michael Jackson's son, had come up and I declared this to be the name of my next dog...well it apparently ended up being a kitten that I'd unknowingly have within the hour. But the story behind the Blanket Jackson is Michael said the purpose behind it was "blanket of love". So for those of you who made fun of the child or my new kitten, think of that saying because I think it is a beautiful thing. Gorgeous. Blanket is now sleeping on a blanket right beside me and I could not be happier. I just hope the vet lets us know that she is healthy and won't contaminate the many other animals we have at the zoo here in my house. (4 dogs, now 4 cats, 2 gerbils, and one tiny robo dwarf hamster.)

"Mommywood" Tori Spelling

Her books just keep getting better and better. This book was mostly about her and her husband, Dean McDermott having kids and becoming a family, finding the right place to live together, making all of her mother/wife dreams come true, work, her show, he first book, her friends, where she lives, the problems she encounters on a daily basis, her creativity, her moments of embarassment, her children growing up, (well for the past year or two since they're young), her mother, her first book, her life as she has it and loves it. There's not much more to it for me to tell you about. Tori Spelling has an interesting life that the world loves watching on TV and reading in her books. And I'm just one of those people.

Feel free to laugh...

For anyone who cares I have a 108% in my Fine Art course right now.

Yesterday, I just finished my first still life for a studio this year and we

are to take a digital picture of the artwork and send it in to our teacher.

I am no artist myself, but I try my best anyway. I thought I'd share with

all of you on here my final piece and see what you think. I'm not sure how

good/fair/poorly I did on it, but I'll find out soon enough once its evaluated.

"Crash Into Me" Albert Borris

If any of you have ever heard of Ellen Hopkins (author herself), she gave some insight on this book and shared her own personal knowledge with this author, Albert Borris. I read this book one day a work and it was a bit bizarre to be completely honest. I was good no doubt, just different than the perky romance stories I'm used to reading. This book is about four teens who have all attempted suicide yet failed and are now on a road trip to see the grave sites of their idols who have committed suicide as well. Once they see all four graves, their journey is said to end in Death Valley, CA...I'm sure you know what they plan on doing there; therefore I won't need to say the gruesome truth. These four teens share their stories with each other along the way. The hardships of their lives, their attempts to take themselves from this Earth, all the pain and suffering behind what the public eye sees. It may be a little depressing, but it has its happy and cheery (if you can call them that) moments as well.

"Message in a Bottle" Nicholas Sparks

I've never seen the movie to this book, so I can't tell you the differences and similarities or whether I liked one over the other. So I'll just tell you my opinions on this book. Of course, it's Nicholas Sparks, therefore I loved it. I seem to fall in love with all of his novels. What's new? I'm sure I'm not the only one. The only other love stories I can stand to read are Stephanie Meyer's 'Twilight' series. (*thousands of teenage girls screaming*) This book touched on the subject of death from the beginning. Garrett is a man in his thirties living life day to day suffering from the pain of his wife who died a few years ago. Theresa comes down to visit him to see the man who wrote the heartfelt letters full of grief and pain she uncovered one day. For anyone who's had a long distance relationship, this novel touches on the hardships of that...as if being in love with your deceased wife and a new woman wasn't hard enough.

Why not

You think you're going nowhere when you're walking down the street.
Acting like you just don't care when life could be so sweet.
So why you wanna be like that, This is nothing new .
You're not foolin no one you're not even foolin you.
So walk a little slower and open up your eyes;
sometimes its so hard to see the good things pass you by
There may never be a sign no flashing neon light tellin you to make your move
or when the time is right. So why not take crazy chance? why not do a crazy dance?
if you lose the moment you might lose a lot so why not.
instead of listenin' to your heart you do just what you're told
if you keep waiting where you are oh what you'll never know
You'll never get to heaven or even to LA if you don't beleive there's a way

why not take a star from the sky why not spread your wings and fly

It might take a little and it might take alot But why not why not

I must finish what I started

So just by looking at my blog you can see that I post reviews on the books

I've read. Wellll, I seem to have fallen a little bit behind. It's a lot of work

for me to sit here, get a picture of the cover from google, recollect the book,

type my thoughts/opinions/ feelings, and then do it again for the next book.

I'm not sure if anyone even cares that I do that, but it makes me feel like a-

well I don't know really, but a-something-important. And I kinda like knowing

people's opinions before I read a book so I don't know if anyone else agrees

or if I'm just weird-could be. But anywho:I'll play catch up sometime this

weekend. I saw Miss Brandie Renee Potzick posted a blog that she hasn't

forgotten about life here and I decided I should follow her idea and do the

same because it's rude to leave 7 blog followers hanging. (I'm not sure if its

7, but thats my guess). Anywayssss enjoy your labor day weekend everyone!

*If you're going anywhere please tell me so I can be jealous while I stay here. =\