I've just realized

I've been lying to everybody who's asked me "why did you leave Harrison?" or "Why do you do school online?" I make up excuses like "it's something different" or "because I wanted to help my mom around the house more" (that last one was one of my points in presentation when I was trying to get out of school actually, I said I'd be able to help out around home more since I'd be there more...it worked apparently.) The one reason that was true was "I absolutely hated it there. I couldn't stand it." This is the sad truth that I am only going to tell and talk about ONE time. And that is in this blog. For once I don't care who sees this and I don't care what they think or say to others. This is something that I JUST realized tonight. The truth is I'm trying to grow up too fast. Well that is the over all case in point. Those are the only words I can think to summarize all of my thoughts and feelings that I was going through towards the end of my brick & mortar (term for a school building) days. I really did hate it there. It might have been the winter months that caused those ugly days, and the teachers that weren't giving me the grades I worked for, and the kids who lived to party and do drugs and what not. I couldn't stand being in that environment. I felt myself and my education deserved better. (not that I'm better than anyone at Harrison. I know I'm not the only one who feels the same way, I just actually did something about it.) Anyway, I felt school tied me up. Around these months I had started getting lots of calls from agents and production companies that wanted ME to come and audition. No way was a rundown, bankrupt, nasty school building going to hold me back from my dreams. And that is the absolute real reason I left school. I'm not sure if my mom knows that to be the reason. She may have a hunch that something with my mass calling for auditions had crossed my mind as a good reason to leave, but not the main one.

Today on Facebook, I saw a video of the 'flash mob' the psychology classes did in the lunch room. Seeing the school in full effect, I actually-for the first time ever- felt a longing to go back. I wanted to walk those halls again smiling at my friends as I passed them in between classes, socialize at lunch and during classes. Be able to feel the relief and freedom of driving home in the afternoons, having a reason to put make up on and dress nicely for people to actually see me. I will never again admit that I want to go back. It will never happen so it is worthless to even try and persuade me. It will never work. I'll never be back. I do wish I hadn't tried so hard to put my high school days behind me. I may have a little under two years left, but I cannot help but feel a little upset with the fact that I am not longer apart of the Harrison school community. I do feel left out. But that was a choice of my own. I wanted out so badly that I never thought I'd see the day that I would feel even the smallest amount of what I'm feeling now. I wouldn't say that I regret leaving. I do like sleeping in, working for an hour or a little over on school work for the day, then having the rest of the day to myself. It's a sweet life. But not as sweet because you have no one to share it with...However, I will put this behind me and stick it out here at home through my graduation. Then it is off to college and away from this town forever, so why would it matter if I miss a year or two with people I may never see again? Like I said before I'm trying to grow up too fast. All I think about is college, then after that, and whats next, and when I should get married(I haven't even met the guy yet!), and how old I should be to have kids, and so on. Those things shouldn't be in my head at all. I just turned 17. This is the prime time of my teenage years. Why the heck am I trying to sprint full speed ahead of them? This is the only life I've got, and I should wish for it to go as slowly as possible. Every adult tells me "you're only young once, so enjoy it as much as you can." If only I could.